Binkle: 1999 - 2012
052812 - 12:15pm. Missing Presence ... we've lost our beloved Binkle. Our deeply loved life partner of 13 years passed away in our home right nearby this desk that I sit at when I tend to computer chores. She was in our lives from June/1999 until 11:45am this morning, just about a half an hour ago. She'd been stricken with a mass growing inside of her and had not been able to eat anything for over a week. Our local vet did everything she could, and we are not the types to "put her down" (oh GOD how I hate that phrase). Binkle passed away as I was on the computer dealing with someone about a seemingly trivial issue when I should have been at her side. I guess I feel guilty for having my prioities mal-aligned at a crucial time of great personal need (hers).
When my lovely wife Missi was stricken with cancer, on the very same day that Missi was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer our dog Gooby had to be euthanized as a result of a mean spirited neighbor who had fed her poisoned meat. Some people simply suck. The damage done to Gooby's internals from the toxin-tainted meat that was thrown into our backyard resulted in her euthanization on the same day Missi had her biopsy and was diagnosed with cancer. That was one hell of a bad day.
During Missi's subsequent extremely aggressive chemotherapy treatments, the wife of one of my employees (who worked at a local funeral home) brought this lively little 5 month old fuzzball puppy to us that had been left in an open grave over the previous night with several littermates at the cemetary where the wife of my employee worked. We named this little puppy "Sadie" .. but as things go living around the likes of ~me~, she got nicknamed "Dinkle", which evolved into "Binkle" (rhymes with "tinkle"). Binkle became Missi's "Chemo baby" ... the lively little fuzzball that helped Missi get through the 9 surgeries and 12 chemo treaments that were required to help Missi survive the cancer that had invaded her body.
Missi and I have been together since 1979, and we've never had any children. So our pets mean quite a lot to us. Binkle became our ever-present companion and source of endless love and energy. When I would be up all night building guitar pedals, Binkle would sleep at Missi's side on our bed, occupying my spot. She completely loved riding in our truck in the back seat during our desert-crossing 600 mile long round trips to the VA hospital in Tucson when I had doctor appointments there.
Binkle had been feeling very ill for the last several weeks. She'd been having some troubles for a few months but things seemed to ramp-up somewhat. We (of course) attended to her every need. Every minute of the last few days has been spent attending to her and just completely worrying ourselves sleepless. Missi even fed her liquified foods with a large plastic syringe while Binkle had been having difficulties eating ... she was willing to drink all that she needed but just refused to actually eat any food. She never once wimpered or cried, she never drew any attention to herself or made any attempts to outwardly express her pain and discomfort. During her last few days, Missi would spend the morning hours with her outside before it got too hot to be comfortable and then Missi would carry her back inside. We never would just leave her outside, she was most definitely our by-our-side companion. She only just this morning spent the sunrise outside with Missi watching the doves and taking in her last hours on Earth. Her last hour she spent right her at our sides, hearing our voices. She passed without a single wimper, silently slipping away.
Binkle left us just feet from where I sit here at the computer less than a half hour ago. Ironically the very thing that Binkle helped Missi survive is what took her very own life (a cancerous mass). Missi and I are still very emotional as we prepare her for the vet to cremate her remains for us. I only just helped Missi put her in the cab of the truck. This probably seems like a trivial issue to most people, but we've been through so much crap over the last few years, with our fuzzy puppy right at our sides bringing her warmth and kindness to us without ever expecting a single thing back. She's meant a great deal to us and has always been treated with the same respect and courtesy as any human would have been. Her bodily form may be different, but there is still a soul, a ~person~ inside of it. Every nerve in my body hurts and the empty pit of missing her has already started to set in.
Thanks for reading, I need to go.
(Added on 053012) Deafening Silence. Our home isn't the same, it seems oddly empty, less alive. Missi and I can't seem to stop thinking of her. We trudge through daily activities and force unnatural smiles. Laughter comes in small spurts and dies away quickly leaving both of us in a numbed, anesthetized state. No matter what measures we take or how hard we try neither of us seems to be able to summon much energy, the strength within us drained - we feel exhausted always. We spent several months worried sleepless, our daily routines seemed to have revolved around her care. Now that she has passed there is so much time we find unfilled simply because she was given so much of it. You don't realize how much time you spend with someone until they're gone, the surplus time is something you feel nearly resentful towards because it only serves to remind you of the missing loved one's presence. I'm just so tired, always so tired, yet sleep eludes me. It's 4:43am, the Sun is coming up ... I really need to continue filling your orders in spite of this relentless exhaustion ... the world isn't going to stop and wait for us just because we're a little tired.
A few pictures to know her by.
August of 2011, right next to Missi (as she nearly always was) while Missi is at the computer dealing with customer emails.
This is Binkle wandering around in the framework of the "Brand New Farndurk Shop" when I was building it in April of 2009.
Our "fuzzy puppy" in 2010. She would lay right at my feet when I would work on a guitar on a modified ironing board.
... We miss you, fuzzy puppy. We're glad your pain has ended but our lives will never be the same without you here by our sides. You gave and gave, you made us so happy with your brilliant soul. All our love and bright mojo sent out to you....